It’s human nature to look forward to the big things in life. Those big things are what we think we’ll always remember when we come to the end of our run here on earth. We tend to overlook the little things because they are seemingly so insignificant. They’re such small details that we think they don’t amount to much. But, the reality is that those little things are what end up being what mattered the most.
We get so lost in expectation of the big things that all the little things that happen along the way go unnoticed. What happens though is that all those little things get filed away in our subconscious. They leave an imprint on our soul that we don’t even realize is happening. When those things are suddenly gone is when we realize just how much they meant to us. They were what mattered the most of all. That’s exactly what has happened to me since Kenny died. All the little things he did for me, things I took for granted, are now gone. They’re nothing but bittersweet memories for me now.
Kenny was almost a foot taller than me. He had to lean down to kiss me. Most of the time he wore a baseball hat and the bill of the hat would bump me on the forehead. Years ago he started to lift his hat up by the bill a little when he leaned down to kiss me so it didn’t hit me on my forehead. Other times, he would kiss me on the top of my head or my forehead. There’s a tenderness in a forehead kiss that most people don’t realize. I think forehead kisses are probably the sweetest kisses of all.
We got married on February 14th. I always teased Kenny that he got off easy since he could combine Valentine’s Day and our anniversary. We didn’t always buy gifts for each other over the years but we still acknowledged what that day meant. There are plenty of men out there who have forgotten their anniversary but Kenny never did, not once in the 29 1/2 years we were married. He even remembered the date we had our first date, March 22nd. Without him, those two dates will never again be the same for me.
When we would come home Kenny always unlocked the door, pushed it open and then stepped back to let me go in the house first. Even if he had an armful of grocery bags, he always let me go in first. If you didn’t already know, that’s what chivalry is. He always opened the door of a store or restaurant for me, too. I see too many men not do this for the woman they’re with and I’m sad for both of them. They don’t make men like Kenny anymore.
Sometimes when we were riding in the car we would hold each others hand. We would also pat each others thigh or just leave our hand there. We did the same thing while sitting next to each other in a restaurant. We would also rest our hands on the other’s arm while sitting in bed. Human touch is such an important thing in life and when it’s suddenly gone you feel like an empty shell of a person.
Kenny would often start my car for me so the engine wasn’t cold when I got in it to drive. He would also turn on my heated seat if it was really cold. He knew how much I disliked the cold weather and he wanted to make sure I was as warm as possible getting into the car. He also used to put his big hands over my little hands and rub them together when it was cold. My hands are always cold in the winter and he could warm them up immediately that way.
I’ve always had a hard time accepting compliments and Kenny knew it. He would make it a point to compliment me on many things and when I rebuffed them he would tell me to stop it and just accept the compliment. He helped to build up my self-esteem over the years as it was pretty non-existent when I met him. You don’t know how much a little compliment really means until you don’t hear it anymore.
Kenny was self-employed so his schedule was of his own making. Most days, he would call me to talk when he was sitting in his truck eating the lunch that I made for him. Our conversations usually weren’t anything important but rather small talk. Sometimes it was just so we could hear each other’s voice. He would tell me about the job he was doing, things the customers said, or how his Home Depot or Lowe’s trip for supplies had went that morning. He would also take short breaks to get a drink from his truck and take a minute to send me a text telling me he loved me. We said “I love you” to each other many times a day over the 35 1/2 years we spent together. The last time I heard Kenny tell me he loved me was when we went to bed the night before he had his heart attack.
From the first time I met Kenny he protected me, always. He put up a protective shield around me and wouldn’t let other people hurt me. He was like a knight in shining armor to me. That’s a quality a lot of men seem to lack these days. He wasn’t the kind of man who was loud and boisterous in his protection. It was exhibited in quiet strength instead. This has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with since he died as I’ve already been the receiver of hurtful actions by people who should have never done what they did. If Kenny was here those things would have never happened. Not having him here to protect me has left me feeling vulnerable, exposed and alone. It’s a pretty scary feeling not having someone to protect you.
Every year around the holidays Kenny would always let me know when “It’s A Wonderful Life” was on television. He knew it was my favorite movie and even though I’ve seen it probably three dozen times over the years he still would call me in the other room to see it. He was always amazed that I could speak the lines in the movie from memory right along with the actors. I think Kenny secretly liked that movie too even though he said it was sappy. Maybe that’s because he was the same kind of humble man who everyone loved just like George Bailey was.
There are so many other little things Kenny did that I miss. My heart longs for every single one of them. He isn’t here to do any of them any longer but they’ll remain in my memories till I leave here myself. I wish I’d realized all those years ago that it would never be the big things in our life that held the most importance but the little things instead. In the minutia of our lives is where those most important things will be found.