Observations of the recently widowed

The old saying that you never truly understand something until you experience it is so very true. I’ve had so many realizations that would have never occurred to me had my husband not died. I see things from a different perspective now. You see a situation from a whole different point of view when you’re standing on the other side of it.

It’s like I’m now standing outside and looking in the window of a room I had been in for over 35 years. The things I see now are much different than they appeared to be when I was inside that room. I’m no longer the participant; I’m the observer. That change in perspective affords one crystal clear vision. These are some of the observations I’ve made since becoming recently widowed~

I liked taking care of my husband

For years I complained that there were things my husband didn’t do for himself but depended on me to do for him. For a long time I thought that this was societal conditioning from the generation we grew up in and from him seeing how the generation before was. I still do believe that’s true but I see it differently now.

Even before we started living together I did a lot of things for him. I would wash his clothes and straighten his room up when I went to see him. He was perfectly able to do those things for himself (and he did before I met him) but it made me feel good to do them for him. I came into this world a nurturer and I need someone to take care of. Since my husband died I’ve felt lost not having a partner to attend to their needs.

I have my adult children and my grandson to nurture but that’s nurturing in a different manner. I’m in the mother and grandmother role in those relationships and the care I give them isn’t the same that I gave to my husband. He’s not here anymore for me to make his lunch and pack it in his Stanley lunchbox. He’s not here anymore for me to write little notes to and stick them in with that lunch. He’s not here anymore to bake a batch of “just because” brownies for. He’s not here anymore to make sure he has clean clothes in his dresser. He’s not here anymore for me to leave the top sheet on the bed untucked on his side because that’s how he liked it. He’s not here anymore for me to send silly and inappropriate things to over text message because I know it will make him laugh.

I was just as dependent on him as he was on me

I used to half jokingly refer to my husband as “my appendage”. It would drive me crazy sometimes how attached he was to me. It felt like he was stuck to my side like velcro. Over the years though we grew to become each other’s best friend. I still had my friends but he gravitated away from spending time with his friends like he used to do before. Because of this he became more dependent on me to fulfill the role of friend for him. I wanted him to have friend relationships outside of me but for the most part he didn’t.

I took care of things for my husband that he couldn’t or didn’t know how to do. During our marriage he was the main source of income for our family. I did work at different times throughout the years but not all the time. I stayed home for a long time raising our children and took care of everything in our home. I took care of paying the bills. I knew what was due and when. I took care of all the tax paperwork every year. That was a big source of aggravation for me as he was self-employed and the receipts for his supplies took me a long time to organize. I handled all the details for everything regarding our children……school, doctor’s appointments, scouting activities, etc. I even made all the arrangements for his mother after her passing because he didn’t know what to do. I wrapped a protective wing around him when I met him because he was so sensitive and I didn’t want anyone to ever hurt him.

Like I did for him, my husband took care of things I couldn’t or didn’t know how to do. He always unscrewed all the lids on jars for me because he was much stronger than me. He reached things on the top shelf of the cabinet because I’m so short. He figured out things that required math skills because I’m horrible at math and he was good at it. He changed the air filter on the HVAC because I couldn’t reach it. He took care of getting the oil changed in the car because I never learned to do that. He changed the flat tires on the car because I never learned to do that either. He weed whacked the yard because I don’t know how to start the weed whacker. He took care of getting rid of snakes in the yard and garage because I am absolutely petrified of snakes. He was my greatest protector. He wouldn’t let anyone hurt me in any way.

My husband and I relied on each other to do things for the other. Over the years we became codependent on one another, as do many people who’ve been together for a long time. I just didn’t see that codependency until he died.

Some people slowly leave your circle after your spouse dies

I had another widow tell me that in the beginning, right after your spouse dies, people are there for you in many ways. But, as time goes by, they gravitate away from you. Your contact with them becomes less and less and some just disappear from your life. In nine days, I will have been a widow for two months. In that short time, I have already experienced what that woman told me.

I’m not sure exactly the reason for this. Maybe some people don’t know what to say beyond “I’m sorry”. Maybe they feel uncomfortable listening to you cry. Maybe they don’t want to hear the real answer to the question “Are you okay?” (because really, I am not okay). Maybe they don’t want you to spoil their happy lives with your unhappy one. I just don’t know.

On the flip side of that I have been shown the true nature of some people, both positive and negative. I guess that’s how God weeds out the people that aren’t supposed to be in your life.

I understand now why some people get married again so soon after their spouse dies

My grandmother died when I was almost 9. Her and my grandfather had been married almost 40 years. He got married again about a year after she died. At the time I didn’t understand that and I was really angry at him for doing so. I felt like he was trying to replace her, and much too soon. What went through my child brain was “How could he get married again so soon after she died? Didn’t he love her?”.

Of course my grandfather loved my grandmother. But, even more so than my own husband, my grandfather was used to having my grandmother do everything for him. She was a nurturer, too, and for her taking care of another person was intrinsic, just like it is for me. When she died, my grandfather was suddenly in unknown territory. He was thrown into a world of having to shop for and cook his own food and do his own laundry. He didn’t have her there to take care of little things she did for him that he either didn’t think about or know how to do. I can imagine he felt very lost. Maybe even scared at times. I feel scared, too. I also feel lost, but my lost is opposite than my grandfather’s lost was. I feel lost because I don’t have a partner to take care of and nurture anymore.

I see and understand now why so many people who’ve lost their spouse enter into a relationship and/or get married again so soon after being widowed. It’s because they have no one to take care of. They need to feel needed. They feel imbalanced being alone. They need to feel whole again after having the other half of them die. I will never again widen my eyes in disbelief when I see a widow or widower get involved with someone so soon after losing their spouse because I definitely feel their pain now.

Don’t take anything for granted

This one goes without saying but I’m still going to say it. If I had a dollar for every time I took something for granted over the 35 plus years my husband and I were together I’d be rich. From the little things to the big things, don’t take anything for granted, not ever.

The night before he had his heart attack my husband and I went out to dinner. Our waitress had a tattoo on her forearm that was partially covered by her sleeve. I was trying to inconspicuously read it but she saw me looking at it and asked if I was trying to read what it said. I said yes. She pulled her sleeve back and I saw that it said “Every day is a gift, not a given”. She had a red cardinal bird tattooed next to the words and told us that it was in honor of her grandfather who had raised her. She said that he used to say that saying to her all the time. She went on to say that she lives by that motto and she knew that every single day we have here on this earth is a gift and not a given. I agreed with her and told her I really admired her outlook. That young woman’s tattoo was a message for me. I just didn’t know it that night. It wasn’t until the next day while I was holding my husband’s hand as he lay unconscious in the ICU that I truly understood the depth of the meaning of that message.

During the day and a half he spent in the hospital before he passed I went over a million things in my head. Things I wished I had said to him over the years. Things I wished I hadn’t said. Things I wished we had done together, and things I wish we hadn’t. I was angry at myself for getting mad at him for stupid things and giving him the silent treatment. Those were wasted moments that I’ll never get back. I was mad at myself for all the times he went in the bedroom to watch TV and I stayed in the other room. I could have just as easily sat in the bed with him and read my book. I was mad at myself for all the times I hurried him off the phone because I was too busy to talk to him. Most of those times he just wanted to talk for a few minutes. I was mad at myself for all the times I went to sleep without kissing him goodnight because I was too tired to roll over and do so. I was mad at myself for not being more responsible in looking out for our future because “We’ll have time to worry about that later”. Unfortunately, that later came much sooner than either of us could have ever imagined.

If there was one single piece of advice I would give to anyone it’s to not ever take anything for granted. Cherish every single second you have with another person because you never know if it will be your last. Don’t waste your time being angry because that other person might die and the opportunity for forgiveness is lost forever. Tell them that you love them. Tell them that you appreciate them. Tell them you’re grateful for them. Tell them every single day, multiple times. Don’t take anything for granted, EVER, because, just like the young woman’s tattoo said, EVERY DAY IS A GIFT, NOT A GIVEN.