From the very first second that I woke up the morning Kenny had his cardiac arrest in the bed next to me “Why?” ran through my head constantly. Why did this happen to him? Why did this happen to us? Why can’t he just be okay? A hundred different questions of why. I got no answer to any of those why’s that morning.
Those why’s continued all that day and into the next when he died in the ICU with all of us standing around him, holding his hands as he drew his last breath. The why’s continued to haunt me and our children every day.
It’s hard to find any type of gratitude when a tragedy occurs. But, as I tell all the people who come to me for healing sessions, there is always something good to be found in the worst of all situations. Sometimes, you just have to dig very deep to extract it.
As the months have rolled by like a blur, those little bits of gratitude have made themselves known to me. It was hard to see that gratitude in the middle of the storm surrounding Kenny’s death but it is there.
I told our daughter Kaitlin one day when the temperature outside was especially cold, “I bet you never thought you’d hear me say this but I’m glad Dad doesn’t have to work in this cold weather.” She was surprised to hear me say it, but she agreed that it was true. As Kenny got older the harsh cold of winter and searing heat of summer was so hard on him. He said many times “I’m the one that chose this life.” And he was right, he had chosen the life of a carpenter. Working a job indoors would have never made him happy.
I also said that I was thankful Kenny didn’t have his cardiac arrest while he as driving, especially while pulling his work trailer. That would have been a whole other set of problems that would have made things exponentially worse for me. We could have been sued by anyone else involved in the accident. I wouldn’t be able to blame the other people involved, but it would have made things so much worse. He also would have very likely died right then and there.
I’m also grateful that Kenny didn’t have his cardiac arrest while he was on a job. If the homeowner wasn’t home they would have come home to find him unconscious, but more likely, already dead. Had Kenny had the cardiac arrest on a job, he would have been dead before our children and I could have gotten there, especially our son Gage, who lives in Colorado. Gage would not have been able to see his father while he was still alive and he would have lived with that regret the rest of his life. Thankfully, Gage was able to fly in the same day Kenny went to the hospital and got to spend almost a whole day with his dad, even if he was unconscious.
I also think of how Kenny’s body would have been in even worse condition as he got older than 58 years old. The job he did was a hard one and it took a real toll on him physically. I honestly don’t know how he did it all those years. He knew plenty of older carpenters whose bodies were completely wrecked from long years of this type of work and he wasn’t looking forward to that happening as he got older. He doesn’t have to worry about that now. And neither do I. His body was restored to a state of perfection the instant he died. He actually told me that while I was channeling his soul right before he died. He told me “I am restored”. That brought me a small sense of comfort in the horror that we were living through at the time.
It snowed here here the last two weekends. As a construction family, Kenny and I didn’t like snow. Construction is a weather driven business and if the weather’s bad you can’t work. If you can’t work, you don’t make any money. I’m glad Kenny wasn’t here to have to stress about the snow. I cleared all the snow from the sidewalk and the car myself yesterday and it really took its toll on me physically. I spent all day today resting from a sore body. It gave me a whole new appreciation of how hard Kenny worked every day and I felt a little of how his body felt all the time after working so hard, which he did without complaint to take care of his family.
As time continues to go by there will be more things to be grateful for in the tragedy of Kenny’s death. I guess this is part of the grieving process, that as the days, weeks, months, and eventually years roll by, you start to see things in a different light. I believe the pain will always be there, but it will be lessened over time. And, I believe that more things to be grateful for will be shown to us. As the old saying goes, “Things could have been much worse”…..and they certainly could have been. And because they weren’t, I am eternally grateful.