Christmas presence

When I was a little girl I thought, like most children do, that a mountain of presents under the tree was what was most important at Christmas. When the big Sears Wish Book catalog came in the mail we would excitedly circle all the things we wanted and hope that we’d find them under the tree on Christmas morning. I remember being more conservative in what I circled in the catalog, unlike my younger sibling who circled nearly every thing on every page.

As I reflect back, I can barely remember what presents were under the tree on most of those Christmas mornings. I remember a few things here and there but most of them aren’t really an actual memory but what I see in the pictures that were taken on those mornings. There just weren’t many presents over the years that left such a lasting impression upon me that I’ve remembered them.

What I do remember most about Christmas mornings though was who was there. In my earliest years it was my mom and dad and my siblings. Our tree was set up in our living room where there was plenty of room for four kids to spread out and tear through the presents. Some years my grandparents were there, either at our house or us at their house. What I remember about the Christmas mornings spent at my grandparents house was the color wheel spinning around and casting different colors upon the glistening silver branches of the tinsel tree they had. I think the Christmases spent with my grandmother there are my favorite from when I was younger. Her presence made everything right in the world, at least for me.

As you get older you realize that what was wrapped up under the tree wasn’t what was most important on Christmas. It was who was there that had the most meaning. Presence……not presents. This year will be the first Christmas since 1986 that I won’t be spending with Kenny. To say it’s sad is a gross understatement. Nothing can fill the empty spot in mine and my family’s heart that his absence has left. I am grateful for all the Christmases we did have together, first as a young couple, and then as parents. We were lucky enough to have spent the last four Christmases as grandparents and I hope our grandson will remember his Papa being there on Christmas mornings, even if it is remembering them through pictures and videos.

As my children and my grandson grow older I hope they’ll remember all the Christmases that Kenny was there. I hope they’ll hold those memories inside their hearts and look back on them with happiness and joy, not sadness because he’s no longer here. I hope they’ll always know that the best present ever was Kenny’s presence here, with them, because really, his presence was the very best present of all.