The cycle of life works exactly in this way–the end of one thing is always the birth of something else. Although that ending can be bittersweet, and often very painful, it has to come about so whatever is to come next can happen.
In the summer of 2001, Kenny and I bought a brand new Toyota 4-Runner. Years before we had driven a 1987 4-Runner I bought before we got married. After we sold the ’87 truck, we bought used vehicles. We were so happy to finally be able to buy something new instead of used, and this was the first new vehicle we had ever bought together.
Kenny picked the Dorado Gold colored truck out of the ones on the dealer’s lot. He liked that one better than the silver one. I drove the truck home with the kids and he drove our other SUV. I remember telling the kids that they were absolutely not allowed to put stickers on the window of this truck like they had done to the other vehicles.
We bought this new truck for me to drive as Kenny had his own for work. The booster seats went in for the kids and they filled the pockets on the back of the seats with books and toys. They each claimed their own side of the back seat; Kaitlin on the left, and Gage on the right. They were pretty excited to have a new truck to ride in.
We put a lot of happy miles on that truck. We made weekend trips to the Outer Banks of North Carolina, riding up the beach on the wet sand. I never did the driving on the beach because I was too scared to. Kenny always did as he had been driving on the beach in four wheel drive for years. I remember one time we were driving back late from Carova Beach and the tide was coming in. The water swirled around the tires and we were afraid we’d get swept out into the ocean. It was nerve wracking for me and the kids were scared and crying, but Kenny knew what he was doing and we made it back down the beach safely.
In 2004 we packed the back of that truck to the ceiling and drove it all the way to Disney World and back. We stopped in North Carolina on the way there to visit my sister and her husband and in Georgia on the way back to meet my uncle and his family. We were gone for 10 days and we had the best time. It was the only real family vacation we ever took.
I drove that truck to take the Girl Scout’s camping, with the back of it packed with all our supplies to survive a weekend in a cabin in the woods. There were other trips made to the Carolinas and Georgia for reunions and visits to family. That 4-Runner took us everywhere we needed to go and it did so faithfully.
In 2015 the transmission in Kenny’s Dodge Ram went out and we didn’t have the money to fix it. He sold it to a mechanic and started driving the 4-Runner. The back seats got folded down and he immediately filled up the back cargo area with all his tools. He pulled his work trailer with the Toyota, too. Kenny’s persona was all over that truck in no time and it was never really my truck again.
After Kenny died I was on the fence about selling the truck or keeping it. I finally decided to keep it just to have a second vehicle in case I needed it. Our son Gage eventually asked if he could have it and I told him that he could, because that’s what his dad had wanted. Kenny and Gage used to talk a lot about how they’d like to restore the Toyota back to its former glory. They sent pictures back and forth to each other on Instagram of 4-Runners that had been fixed up. Talking about that truck was a favorite subject of conversation between them and I think it helped the miles between them seem a little less than they really were.
Gage decided to have the truck shipped to him in Colorado on a car carrier. He wanted to have it looked at first to see what needed to be done to it mechanically. Gage had me drop the 4-Runner off at a mechanic who we trusted that had worked on it before. He said it would be an honor to look it over as he’d really liked Kenny a lot and he appreciated us giving him our business when he was first starting out. After I got the truck back I cleaned it out. There were so many random screws and nails tucked down in the side pockets of the doors that I had to be careful sticking my hands in them. I left a few things in the truck that I thought Gage might want. One was the personalized license plate we had on our first 4-Runner in 1993 that said KSAXTON on it. I told Gage he should hang it on his wall.
Gage made all the arrangements for the transport and when the day came for me to meet the car carrier to load the 4-Runner up it was so much harder than I had anticipated it would be. I left work and drove home to switch vehicles. As I got in Kenny’s truck I sat there for a minute and just let all the memories of us driving it over the last nearly 21 years flood into my head. The tears welled up in my eyes and spilled down my face. This was the end of an era for Kenny and me being the owners of this truck.
I started the engine and pulled out of the driveway. As I drove up the road I realized this would be the last time I drove it, at least here in Virginia. It would be the last time I’d breathe in the distinct smell of Kenny in it, a mixture of sweat and wood. When I finally do make it out to Colorado to see Gage that smell will be long gone. It’s a smell I wish I could bottle up and keep forever.
When I got to the parking lot to meet the car carrier my friend was already there waiting for me so she could give me a ride back. I got out of the truck and told the two men who were transporting it to Colorado that I was sorry but I was probably going to be very emotional about this. I was crying as I told them the truck belonged to my husband who had died months earlier, and that I was giving it to our son because that’s what his dad had wanted. They said they understood and that the truck was going to where it was supposed to go. I took pictures of the 4-Runner sitting there in the parking lot next to the car carrier so I’d remember what it looked like on the last day I saw it in Virginia. I got in the car with my friend and cried harder.
That almost 21 year old Toyota 4-Runner had over 198,000 miles on it when I handed it over to the transport people. Most vehicles would have been long dead by that time, but not our 4-Runner. Toyota’s are good, reliable trucks. Kenny knew this firsthand as he had driven the 1982 Toyota long bed 4-wheel drive truck he had when I met him in 1986 for nearly 275,000 miles.
It took two full days for those two men to drive that car carrier roughly 1800 miles across the country and deliver that truck into our son’s hands, the new owner. I worried the whole time that something would happen and it wouldn’t make it in one piece. Thankfully that didn’t happen and Gage took delivery of it on a Monday morning. He sent me pictures of it on the car carrier and later parked in his driveway.
The night before I drove the truck to meet the car carrier, I wrote Gage a letter. I reminded him of some of the great times we had in that truck and I told him of things to look forward to in the future. I tucked the letter in the glovebox for him to find when he got the 4-Runner in Colorado, when the birth of its new life there begins.
Dear Gage,
By the time you read this letter Dad’s truck will have made its way across the country to its new home with you in Colorado. Dad and I had wanted for a long time to restore the 4-Runner and give it to you. I think mostly it was Dad because I think there’s just something about a father wanting to pass his truck down to his son. You having his truck would make Dad happy. In all the sadness and grief we’ve all experienced in the last six months this is one thing I can do to make someone feel a little less sad.
I hope every time you drive the truck you’ll remember all the good and happy times we spent in it as a family. Driving back home the night we bought it and you and Kaitlin sitting in the back seat so excited to have a new truck. The trips to the Outer Banks, to Sandbridge, to visit family members out of state, and the long drive we made to Disney World. Driving on the beach in Corolla and almost getting stuck in the wet sand with the waters coming up to the tires. Driving to Gigi & Jesse’s house with River sitting in the seat between you and Kaitlin. Short drives to Boy Scout and Girl Scout meetings. Riding to baseball practice and watching you play baseball. Driving to Busch Gardens. Driving to Grandma & Papa’s house.
I hope you’ll remember learning to drive first in the Toyota and then driving Dad’s Dodge Ram that was much bigger.
I hope you know that every time you get in the driver’s seat to drive the truck that Dad will be riding in the passenger’s seat as your constant companion. Every time you turn on the radio, he’ll be singing off key and making up his own words to the songs. Every time you open the hood to work on the engine, he’ll be standing next to you with his hand on your shoulder, telling you what he thinks needs to be done. Every time you check the air in the tires, he’ll be telling you how much air to put in. Every time you put it in 4-wheel drive he’ll be telling you that you have to be careful with it. Every restoration you make to bring the Toyota back to its former glory, Dad will be right there helping you, just like a father does with the truck he hands down to his son.
I wish this wasn’t the way Dad’s truck was being handed down to you. I wish he was here to put the keys in your hand himself and tell you to take good care of his truck. I wish things were different but they’re not. I wish at the very least I was able to be there in person to hand you the keys myself but that isn’t possible either.
I hope you’ll love the Toyota just as much as me and Dad did. I hope you’ll make your own happy memories in it like we did. And if you have a son one day, I hope you’ll hand it down to him just as I’m handing it down to you……because that’s what Dad wanted.
I love you, always and forever…….and Dad does too,
Love, Mom
Gage sends me pictures and videos of the 4-Runner sometimes. I get to see the roads Kenny’s truck is now driving on and the breathtaking scenery of the Colorado mountains. In the video below I got to see our son’s hands on the steering wheel of his dad’s truck as he made his way up a dirt road towards the mountains. I cried when I saw that he left the business cards Kenny stuffed in the dash to cover up the light that always stays on. I told Gage this made me cry and he said he was never going to take those cards from where his dad put them so long ago.
Even though Kenny couldn’t drive that truck across the country to put the keys to it in our son’s hands himself, I know he’s up there in Heaven in the clouds looking down with a big smile on his face knowing that it’s right where he wanted it to be. Gage will make lots of new memories of his own in that truck as he drives it on the many adventures that lie in front of him, and Kenny will be with him on every single one of them.
I’ll eventually make it out to Colorado myself to see Gage and ride in the 4-Runner again. When I do, I’ll look over at our son sitting in the driver’s seat where his dad used to sit. It’ll be hard to stop the tears from rolling down my face as I see the next generation behind the wheel. I’ll be comforted though knowing Kenny will be riding in the backseat, singing off key and making up his own words to the song playing on the radio, just like he always did when he was here driving it himself.